Sunday, 24 July 2005


In the Air Force, you have your job to do everyday, but you are expected to do more than just your job. There are other responsibilities that everyone has to pitch in to do: Booster Club, Sergeant's Association, Meals on Wheels.... Those things most people just volunteer to do. If no one wants to volunteer, then there's the Manditory Volunteer thing where someone just gets picked as a volunteer. Sometimes that works for you, sometimes it doesn't. I usually just volunteer because, really, I hate it when no one will step up. Hate it with a capital H. Plus, the details aren't that bad.
However, I just got totally screwed on the Manditory Volunteerism.

Two weeks ago, I was getting ready to leave work and my LT came up to me and said that he had good news and bad news. The good news was that I was the "Alternate." The bad news was that I got picked to be the Urinalysis Monitor for my flight.
What does this mean in layman terms? That I was screwed.

In the Air Force and all other services, there is drug testing. It's a NO TOLERANCE policy, so if you piss hot, you're OUT. Don't let the door hit you in the stoner ass. The testing is supposed to be random, so that's the deterrent. You never know when you'll be called in to pee, so just don't get high. The first four years I was in the Air Force, I got called twice to pee -- both times I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. It was great. After that it was more often, just in case you wanted to know.
Anyhow, the people performing the testing are actual drug testing people. That's what they do. Everyday. They call people and tell them that they've got to do Operation Golden Flow. The other people in the process, not the ones peeing, are volunteers. I say that very loosely. I got volunteered.
I was supposed to be the alternate, versus the primary, meaning that some other poor bastard was supposed to be doing it and if something happened, then I was to take the duty. But just the fact that my name came up at all, I knew I was doomed.
To make a long story short, I spent most of last week watching other girls pee into cups, then transfer that pee from one cup to another. Everything happening in my line of sight because they HAVE to. You never know when someone is going to try to slip in an anti-marijuana pill into their urine sample and prove the test faulty, right? I mean, there is a wizzinator for those DUDES who need a different sample than the one that comes straight from the main vein. But chicks? I dunno. You'd have to have a pretty complicated system to get a she-wizzinator.

The detail itself is pretty boring. There's like 3 times as many dudes as chicks, so there are 3 male observers for the guys. They alternate who has to watch. But the girls? Since there are so very few of us, there's only one monitor which means that EVERY time a chick walks in, I get to watch her. Every goddamn time. At least the dudes get to alternate!

Inbetween watching pee, we get to watch TV or read. The beauty of it, and this is sooooo typical, is that there's this HUGE, awesome flat screen tv for us in the lounge. The irony is that there's no cable. There's a set of bunny ears perched precariously on the teeny tiny frame of the tv. And tons of snow. So much snow that it's impossible to watch anything. It is, thankfully attached to a VCR/DVD, so if someone remembers to bring in movies, we can watch that.

This one male observer brought in the new Harry Potter novel to read. My GOD did everyone give him a hard time. It was sad, if I do say so myself.

Anyhow, overall the detail sucks, but there's worse details. Force Protection details suck way worse than the PeePee, but it still blows. And it's not the detail that really bites, it's the comments. Every person has to comment. Every person.

"Who did you piss off to get this dootie?" haha.
"So, did you volunteer for this?" haha.
"You must love this." haha.

And I just want to scream, "No I didn't fucking volunteer for this shit! I would rather be anywhere else than sitting here staring at your cooter! Nice Brazilian, by the way."

There's worse details, but it still sucks

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